Hammerport

‘This is really good stuff, Evie,’ he said, eating with his mouth open, juice and pulpy bits dribbling down his chin.

Eve dismissed him with a wave and closed her eyes again. She concentrated on her sunbathing and sighed. Adam was a boring twat at the best of times. Every time he found something new he’d dance around like an idiot, demanding attention. The world would be better off without him. And that stupid thing hanging between his legs like some sort of rotting fruit, Je-sus. She wished he’d cover it up; it made her want to wretch. “Intelligent design”, my arse, she thought.

‘Try it,’ his voice boomed above her as Adam’s shadow moved to block out the sun. It was a little chilly.

Suddenly, weight pressed down on her stomach. Her eyes sprung open to see Adam sitting on her about to force the green fruit into her mouth.

She smacked the fruit away and shouted, ‘What is your problem? I totally, like, need my space.’ She motioned towards his groin with disgust. ‘Get that fucking thing off me.’

Adam didn’t budge. ‘This is really, really tasty. I want you to just take a bite, you’ll like it, I know you will. Go on, just for me, go on. Look, it’s either this or… my little monster here. And I know which one you’d prefer.’ He snorted with irritation.

She could sense the beast stirring, tossing about on her midriff. Oh God no.

‘Alright,’ she said, ‘just one fucking bite and then get you right off.’

Adam lowered the shiny, green fruit to her mouth and she took a bite. It was quite sweet, delicious really and the citric tang gave it a bit of oomph she hadn’t expected. The skin was a bit dry.

‘It’s okay, I suppose.’

‘Just okay?’ Adam sounded as if she’d just criticised a meal he’d spent fifteen hours preparing. It was just a bit of fruit, for God’s sakes. Hang… the fuck… on.

Eve asked, ‘Where did you get this from?’

:: WOULD SOMEONE CARE TO EXPLAIN WHAT BEFELL ONE OF MY SPECIAL APPLES ::

‘Oh you shit, Adam, you twatty shi-’

:: YOU KNOW, FROM THE TREE THAT BEARS THE RATHER UNAMBIGUOUS SIGN ‘CAUTION: BEWARE OF GOD’ ::

Adam leapt up with amazing dexterity. ‘It wasn’t me, it was her.’ He dropped the apple as if it were hot.

:: WELL THAT DIDN’T FUCKING LAST LONG DID IT ::

Eve formulated a plan.

She pointed at the thing between Adam’s legs and said: ‘It was the snake. The snake made me do it.’